Version 1

The Hedgehog Song, v1.5
(or why the Hedgehog can never be buggered at all)
Reconstructed by Matthew Crosby and alt.fan.pratchett
from the Discworld novels by Terry Pratchett
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Verse 1.
Bestiality sure is a fun thing to do
But I have to say this as a warning to you:
With almost all animals, you can have ball
But the hedgehog can never be buggered at all.

Chorus 1:
The spines on his back are too sharp for a man
They'll give you a pain in the worst place they can
The result I think you'll find will appall:
The hedgehog can never be buggered at all!

Verse 2.
Mounting a horse can often be fun
An elephant too; though he weighs half a ton
Even a mouse (though his hole is quite small)
But the hedgehog can never be buggered at all.

Chorus2:
The spines on his back are so awful thick
you'll end up with naught but a painful prick.
He has an impregnable hole when curled up in a ball,
Hence the hedgehog can never be buggered at all!

Verse 3.
Screwing a cow while she goes moo-moo
Will be entertaining to both her and you
Or you might try a tiger, if you have enough gall
But the hedgehog can never be buggered at all.

Chorus 1.

Verse 4.
A fish is refreshing, although a bit wet
And a cat or a dog can be more than a pet
Even a giraffe (despite being so tall)
But the hedgehog can never be buggered at all.

Chorus 2.

Verse 5.
You can manage a snake, though its poison might kill
It's amazing how humping a camel will thrill
You can go with a snail if you slow to a crawl
But the hedgehog can never be buggered at all.

Chorus 1.

Verse 6.
You can ravish a sloth but it would take all night
With a shark it is faster, but the darned beast might bite
We already mentioned the horse, you may recall
But the hedgehog can never be buggered at all.

Chorus 2.

Verse 7.
You can roger a skunk if you can stand the smell
Or even an oyster, should he let go of his shell
A troll can be rocky if down you should fall
But the hedgehog can never be buggered at all.

Chorus 1.

Verse 8.
For slippery fun, you can cornhole an otter
Or pego a pig after parting his trotters
Or tumble a tapir, though the prospect appall
But the hedgehog can never be buggered at all.

Chorus 2.

Verse 9.
For prosimian fun, you can bugger a lemur
To bolster your name as a pervert and schemer
The lemurs cry "Frink!" as a coy mating call
But the hedgehog can never be buggered at all.

Chorus 1.

Verse 10.
Antipodean pranks -- you can futter a wombat
Or strive with a 'roo in venereal combat
Or hump a goanna -- go on, do it all
But the hedgehog can never be buggered at all.

Chorus 2.

Verse 11.
A moose is amusing, a squid quite confusing
Or try on a rhino if you fancy a bruising,
Or mountin' a mountain goat (careful, don't fall!)
But the hedgehog can never be buggered at all.

Chorus 1.

Verse 12.
You could thrust with a thrush if you fancy a climb,
Or pork a few piglets if you have the time,
A skinhead's pet cat if you don't mind a brawl,
But the hedgehog can never be buggered at all.

The hedgehog can never be buggered at all,
buggered at all, buggered at all x2

you can do it with a hen cos an egg'll fit in
or with a worm if you're pointy and thin
With a snake if you're incredibly long
with a gorilla if you're really that strong
with a boa constrictor if he's your main squeeze
with a big German Shepherd if you don't mind the fleas
You can with a snail, if you slow to a crawl
but the Hedgehog can never be buggered at all

chorus

With a cow if you're feeling in udder disgrace
With an alligator if you like toothy grins on your face
With a bat if you're gifted with wings
with a magpie if you like shiny things
With a cheetah if you love rather fast
A donkey if you like a good old kick in the ass....
With an octopus if suction is your game
but the hedgehog can never be buggered at all

There once was a man
And his name was Prickly John
And his women used to ask
How he got those prickles on

And he'd give them a sigh
He'd sit down on a log
And say, "Well I tried my hand at buggering
That spiny hedgehog!"

chorus

With a jellyfish if you love things that quiver
With a wild wolf if you like raw liver....
With a bumblebee if you want it to swell
With a talking parrot if you're sure it won't tell
with a lemming if you like life on the edge
with a wren if you hide in a hedge
Or with a maneating clam if you can't afford a vasectomy....
But the hedgehog can never be buggered at all

chorus